This is going to be a kind of serious, personal post. I came across something today that got me thinking about how one's writing style/mindset changes over the years. While I was about to start writing out thank you's for my bridal shower, I realized I needed a hard surface to write on so I went to my entertainment center and grabbed a hard covered journal. It ended up being a journal of mine from 7 years ago and earlier. So between writing thank you's, I took time to read some of my earlier journal entries.
As I have said before, I REALLY love writing. Whether it's blogging, journaling, or even writing fiction, I just love to write. Putting thoughts on paper for me has always been a passion, and sometimes I get a little overly creative. In reading a few of my journal entries, I realized that whatever was going on in my life at that time really made me have a darker sense of writing and I had a lot of wonderment in what I wrote. At that time in my life, I journaled to let out a lot of my stress, anger, and even happiness. I don't like to consider it a diary though because it's not "dear diary" type things. So I'll stick with journal. Reading this journal tonight really made me think about that point in my life and how things have changed, how I have grown, and how much my past really has shaped me into the person I am today. So without further ado, just a couple entries that I read tonight that got me inspired to write about how different I was a mere 7 years ago.
If you don't want to get to know the past mindset of me, please don't keep reading.
July 15
"Gravity, tricky topic. It holds everything to the earth. Nobody even cares about it...we just take it for granted. As I sit here looking at the waves, my mom mentioned how cool it is to think they just keep going and going! Well...what if they didn't? What if all of a sudden, gravity just decided to quit...to move on to a planet that appreciates it. Then what? Everything would fall? To where? I don't know. Would our ozone keep it in and rather than everything being on the earth, we all just swam in the ozone like a bowl? Would we continue to fall into outer space where we would die then float for eternity?"
This entry...makes no sense. I would love to know what was going through my mind that had me write such...nonsense, yet deep at the same time. My journal seems to go all over the place. Each page is very random. Some are written in paragraph form, and some are all over the place with random LARGE words then things written in the margins, things like "Rain Rain go away, Bridget's heart is made of clay, boys hold and smoosh it bad all day, so take her pain away today" on July 30th and "Somewhere I will find the right guy, I just hope it's not the day I die." That's kinda, poetic, yet dark. That was on August 2. Same summer as the post above. I would like to think that if someday I got famous, this journal would be a New York Times Best Seller. It's interesting...and I'm even the one who wrote it. Although, I feel that at that time in my life, I was not who I am today. Today I have the man of my dreams, one who does not smoosh my heart and it's certainly not the day I die.
I do, however, understand why some of the world's best writers have been diagnosed with mental illnesses. I am not at ALL putting me amongst the top writers category, I am just saying that it seems some of my most creative writing was at a dark point in my life.
August 5
"I have completely pushed my family away, and no matter what I do, I just cannot feel truly happy. When I smile, it's empty. There is no feeling behind my smiles, no feeling but emptiness."
Reading that was sad to me. It reminded me of a time that I have actually blocked partly from my memory. It does, however, make me connect to my past self. Even though in my post I wrote about knowing that I was down, sometimes it's hard for a person in that situation to get out of it. Especially when they have isolated themselves. I wrote a section to my family, just a short two line sentence. "Have I told you lately that I love you? Have I told you there's noone above you?" Some of the weird things I have written in the margins of my journal I am honestly not sure if they're from a poem or song, or if I wrote them. I truly don't clearly remember this part of my past, obviously for reasons that only my past reveal.
August 14
"Even if it's hard sometimes, to feel as if the sun still shines, just know that deep within your friends, there's a love for you that never ends."
I like this quote...whether I wrote it or whether someone else did. It's sweet.
I have not read my entire journal. That will be something I definitely do. I did, however, flip through the pages and looked for things that stood out to me. I truly am amazed at the style of my writing back then and feel like reading through this journal will actually help me to better understand the woman I have become. I feel like I am reading a biography or a novel of some sort, yet it's actually me. It feels kind of weird.
I am glad I found this and I am looking forward to reading the entire thing. It is VERY long, some days I wrote 8 pages. And they're big pages with thin lines. It will take a long time, but I am looking forward to it. I will also probably write a few more posts about my journal, but I will try to make them a little less dark.
I know this is completely different than what I normally write, it just was really emotional for me to see this old journal and REALLY influenced me to write some of the things I had written years ago and reflect on them. It's amazing how people change, and it's amazing how reflecting on one's past can really get someone to think about their present.
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